Rise Up.
When I started these chapters, I never thought I would actually finish them. I guess in this situation, not wanting to continue had many reasons behind it. What if he reads them? What if I get made fun of? What if no one believes me? Truth is, there are countless what if's that came to my mind. You can go back and forth with yourself many times which brings me back to the bargaining stage, but when does it get to the point where you stop the bargaining and just do what you want to do? I think that writing these chapters, initially to help me, helped so many others so it made me not want to stop. I realized that maybe the purpose of all of this was to help others. I didn't want to move on to something else, I wanted to keep going, keep pushing forward. Which was a hard, long, tedious process. I started these chapters about a year and a half ago and I've finally reached the last one. Although I wish I didn't take so long (19 months to be exact), I'm happy I'm not wishing that I would have stuck with it because I did, and being proud of myself doesn't even begin to express how I feel.
Like I said in previous chapters, this is a more personal chapter, it's not necessarily in the five stages of grief but I believe it helped me in more ways than just one. You can reach the acceptance stage and be proud of yourself for getting there, as you should, but what comes next? What are you going to do after that? For me, rising up meant writing these chapters. Rising up meant going above and beyond my expectations and others around me. Rising up meant helping people going through the same situation. Rising up meant speaking my truth. Rising up meant finding who I am and trying to figure out who I want to be in this crazy world.
It's hard to love yourself no matter what. Your curves, your edges, your imperfections, your ups, your downs, your everything. It took me a while to be who I am, who I want to be and to love myself, but I'm still working on it. When I was going through all these grieving stages and it came to relationships, I always looked for a guy that could just take that baggage and show me how to love myself. I now realize that was the wrong approach because you can't put that on another individual, especially one you want to share your life with. I needed to get through those stages on my own terms and learn how to love myself in ways that I never thought I could. Because in the end, I didn't want someone to save me, I wanted someone that stands by my side as I save myself. With that being said, your significant other should be there for you throughout your heartaches and help you when you're down but it's not their job to pick up all the pieces. Your significant other is there for you through all your monumental moments, all your hardships but most importantly, they are there to support you and love you unconditionally. But you have to rely on yourself because at the end of the day, you're stuck with you for the rest of your life. It takes time and it's not exactly easy but it's the right thing to do.
I still find myself thinking about what had happened and I don't think that's not normal, I think it's okay. It's okay to reflect on things that happened to you and to see how far you've become. I still do that with other tough situations I've been in. I guess what's important to me now is how I can better myself and others around me when I'm stuck in a difficult situation. Everyone experiences hard times, I'm one to know and I still go through them, but my outlook is different. Instead of wallowing in self pity, I think of ways to move past these circumstances, how I can learn from them, how I can better myself and then go from there. I take things day by day sometimes hour by hour, and I'm learning to not look too much into the future because there's no point in that, it has yet to happen.
There's no doubt it's hard to come forward and difficult to speak your truth. These chapters helped me gain confidence and I don't regret one word I wrote. If you're looking to share your story with others or maybe just want to write it for yourself, go for it. So one day you can confidently sit back, breathe and say that you're okay and actually mean it.
Finally, I want to say thank you. Thank you to those who helped me when I pushed you away. Thank you to those who read all these chapters and made me proud to write them. Thank you to those who made me feel comfortable and confident to continually write them. Thank you to those who stood by my side. And thank you to those who believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. I'm still here today because of the overwhelming support and love from my family and friends. I continue to count my blessings every time I get a chance to see another day, and so should you.
