Acceptance.

Stage five: Acceptance.

So here we are, the final stage of this whole grieving process. As I sit here writing this chapter, I feel proud. I feel like I'm on a ‘high on life’ type of feeling. There were numerous times I've wanted to quit yet I'm still here, accepting within reason what has happened to me. Like I said in the previous chapter, I reached the acceptance stage once I hit that ‘post’ button but the struggle still didn't stop there.

I did what I felt like I had to do and that was sharing my story with all of you, sharing my experience with others who unfortunately have similar experiences. And though others may have regret reading it, I do not regret writing it. I was accepting that something awful happened to me. I was accepting that it was time to start moving on with my life. I was accepting the fact that this would still be hard for me at times but I was accepting that this could be a brand new start for me.

The summer that followed opened my eyes in many different ways. Like I said prior, I got the chance to speak with people who have went through the same traumatizing situations. Whether that was when I went back to school to take my finals or just being in my hometown for the summer. It was shocking to me back then that so many people that I was surrounded by have gone through a similar situation that I was in. It was heartbreaking to hear the suffering they went through but it was uplifting to hear that I had helped just by sharing my story. In my opinion, people want to be heard. They might not have the courage to speak the words, but I truly believe they want someone to listen. I genuinely think that some people want to share what happened to them but it's difficult to find the right way to say it, and I don't blame them for wanting to stay silent. When it comes to being raped, you have to move at your own pace. You can't force that person to talk, you can't force them on what they should or shouldn't do, you just have to let them be. Let them talk when they're ready. Let them be in denial. Let them be angry. Let them bargain with themselves. Let them go through depression. Let them accept what had happened to them. Let them go through this the way they want, not how you think or want them too.

Not only did it help others by reading my stories, it truly helped me listening to theirs for the sole reason knowing I wasn't alone. I felt the strength moving throughout my body and I wanted others to feel that because it's such a powerful feeling. Knowing that you can get through such a terrible experience and still look at life in such a beautiful way, you can feel such a strong sense of hope coming your way.

I think what helped me continue to push through was without a doubt the love and support I received day in and day out from family and friends, but more importantly my thoughts kept inside a journal. A journal for me and me only. If you don't have one, I encourage you to get one. Write down those sad thoughts, those crazy thoughts, those happy thoughts, any thought that runs through your mind because it helps, in more ways than just one. I'm living proof of that. Share your thoughts if you want, but it's good to express the way you feel and then look back on those times to see how far you've become. It doesn't matter if your writing doesn't make sense, feels silly or even stupid, it can and will help you - now and in the future.

Accepting that you've been raped pretty dang complicated. You know that what you've gone through is awful but you accepted it or at least have tried, and thats just as difficult and just as important. You know you've gotten through the worst part but there are still difficulties that lie ahead. You know that the gruesome memories can reappear but you accepted it and you push forward. Whether that be seeing him in the streets or bars at your college and getting those chills through your whole body. Whether that be when someone, not meaning it, jokes around about sexual assault right in front of you and then apologizes endlessly. Whether that be one of your friends going through exactly what you went through and being there for them despite all the traumatic flashbacks you experience. You accept the things you can't change and you accept that hopefully, someday, sexual harassment and assault will no longer be a thing in this lifetime.

I remember taking an English class my junior year and we had to write two stories about something that went on in our life. That something could be anything and two people out of the whole class had to share their story. I volunteered to read my story not knowing exactly what I would write about, but I had an idea. I wanted to keep talking about my sexual assault story because maybe it would help just one person in that class so that's what I did. I wanted to keep the conversation going about my sexual assault knowing those I have helped already and those I could potentially help, whether that be a classmate I was reading to or a friend of a friend. I wrote about what happened, I didn't spare any details and with confidence, I read my story out loud to my class. It wasn't easy in anyway but the relief that came afterwards was rewarding. I kept feeling like I was making a difference even if it was microscopic and I didn't want to stop there, so I kept going. I was involved in greek life in college and that spring semester, they dedicated greek week to raise awareness for sexual harassment and assault. I won't go into details because I feel it's not needed, but the people that know me and know exactly how they came to deciding to do that, makes me believe part of it was my doing. Instead of fraternities and sororities participating in events throughout greek week just to earn that top spot, that year they did so much more. Making banners to help spread awareness, making over 248 survivor kits, bringing in speakers to talk about how prevalent this actually is, and showing everyone that there is resources out there. It was incredible to see the students at my school step up, take a stand and talk about this nightmare of a topic.

I guess acceptance to me is knowing you'll have your bad days but the greater days are yet to come. I know, for a fact, that being raped changes you as a person but after you accept it, you can also try to and be a better person. Be there for the people that can't be on their own. Try and make a change or be that change. The truth is, you have to help because it can happen to you, it can happen to anyone. It's sad to accept the fact that sexual assault happens everyday but accept the fact that you can help someone and make a difference. It takes one person to speak up and have a powerful impact so try and be that voice for others that don't feel like they are strong enough or unwilling to have a voice.

Last summer, I was riding in my car on my way to my internship and the song, "Rise Up" by Andra Day started playing. In that moment, I knew the next step I wanted to take about my sexual assault story. I started researching more and saw that the five stages of grief lined up perfectly with how I dealt with my rape experience. That's when I decided I needed and wanted to start these chapters. The lyrics of that song and the five stages of grief made me feel a connection that I couldn't keep inside me. I wanted to show people that they aren't alone, as much as they feel that way. I wanted to show people that you can get through the curveballs life will constantly throw at you. I wanted to show people that life can get better no matter how much they believe that it won't.

One of my favorite quotes I've ever read and still remains true to this day, "She has been through hell, so believe me when I say, fear her when she looks into a fire and smiles." I believe I did exactly that, so stay tuned for the last and final chapter.